I’ve came upon a good article and wanted to share and put my own perspective into this.
It’s no coincidence that popular culture focuses so heavily on in-law relationships, from the meddling mom and dad in “Everybody Loves Raymond” to the “Meet the Parents” movies. These images reflect deep-seated worries about balancing loyalty to one’s spouse with life-long bonds of attachment and obligation to parents, siblings, and other kin. This worry is not an irrational one; research also shows that in-law relations are a key determinant of marital happiness. -The 3 Best Rule for Managing In-law Relationships
Your loyalty is to your spouse.
Once you are married, you are entering a different entity in life. Your significant other and kids are your priority in life. I know its hard for parents to understand this point, they may say they understand and give you “space” but action speaks otherwise. I know for a fact my mother and father loves me to death and it is hard for them to “let go” of being a parent to me and I respect that. It is I and myself that needs to reflect and see how I can manage the fort. I chose to enter into a relationship and chose to start a family. Thus, my priority will be my husband and kids; I know my parents will always be there for me but I do have to set rules and limitations if I want to “grow up”. When my husband and I decided to begin a “new chapter” in life, it really hit me to learn that we both have to really care about each others feelings and be thoughtful of what actions we take. This is really important in sustaining a healthy marriage.
I’ve heard many stories from friends and family member where relationships turn sour if and when spouses have conflict each others in-laws; it is inevitable and it is not possible for your in-laws to see eye to eye with 100% agreement every time something happens, so you do need to choose sides. For myself, I vow to marriage and my loyalty to my kids and husband. Thus, I need to be on my husbands side and not let anything cause us arguments. At the end of the day, he is the one that sleeps next to me and will go down the road with me on the long run. He will grow old with me
I hope in writing this blog entry is to remind myself the importance of maintaining a good relationship and giving the support to my spouse without a doubt.
In couples where this allegiance did not happen, marital problems swiftly followed. In fact, some of the bitterest disputes occurred over a spouse’s failure to support his or her partner. -The 3 Best Rule for Managing In-law Relationships
Remind yourself why you are doing it.
Because I chose my husband I have to accept that his family and my family becomes one. Whether we like it or not, we are ALL in it together. We will all have disagreements and times that we don’t see eye to eye. We can debate, we can discuss and we can do this all day where we STILL can’t agree with each other. That is okay. We don’t have to compromise but we can and should find a middle ground to the situation. Sometimes, I feel that we need to all be reminded of how we are and how we act. How it affects others? Who are they to me?
My mother actually gave me really good advise that I wanted to share with everyone. I’ve once told her in the beginning of my relationship, “his” side of the family do this and that which I don’t like. Blah blah and so forth. My mom replied: “Put yourself into your husbands shoe, and see how he would feel? your not the one that is most stuck in the situation. you shouldn’t let him have to feel stuck in the middle. As a wife, or any woman that love the man, you should think for him and how it will make HIS LIFE EASIER.” I guess my mom was really teaching me the reality of a marriage and how I am not just a carefree single woman; we really do have to think twice sometimes of actions we take and how it will affect the people around us.
So, woman and men out in this world. We can stop for a second and think for your significant others. In your good faith in doing so, maybe they will do the same for you as well. People are not stupid, they will know when you are being good or not to them.
Eliminate politics from discussion.
According to the elders, you may not be able to avoid conflict over your in-laws’ disapproval of your marriage, your job, your lifestyle, or how you raise your children. But you can make it a rule to take noisy and unnecessary political debates off the table. (Remember, we’re not talking here about a lively, enjoyable political discussion; I mean the kind that ends with slamming doors and a spouse crying in the car.)
This aspect is very interesting to me, because this is very valid. I see politics as “issues”, topics in the family where one person don’t agree with the other. Due to culture, insensitivity, generation gap or what ever it may be. If you know we can not change the others mindset in some situation, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME nor do you have to agree. Sometimes, we have to be okay with standing by your will.
For example: Simple as “how to raise a child”, there is no one way to look at this. It is influence by your upbringing and culture. Be respectful and listen, but YOU KNOW your kids best and YOU ARE THE PARENTS to the kids. End of discussion and no discussion needed with others. YOU chose to be a parent and take ownership of that! Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and your own beliefs.
Every family may not have issues with politics but this section is really to remind ourselves the point that people don’t always see eye to eye and if we know that there is a “hot topic” that will cause argument. Simply leave the room and say bye. You don’t ever want to continue repetitively nagging on the same issue again and again when time proves you will never agree with one another. So be okay with yourself to just EXIT, it can potentially save your marriage.
Thanks for reading!